When the Fire Dies Down

By Ken Korkow

When I was dating Liz, we would talk for hours on the phone, write long letters, kiss 'til my lips were sore. When I was with her, my personality changed. She made me glow and feel really alive.

Then we married.

The excitement wore off. The challenge of the chase was gone. I threw my attention and energy into conquering new visions. My identity came from performance and possessions won in the arena of work. And our marriage was on-the-rocks.

The booklet 'When The Flame Flickers' says it well:

"Men's struggle with work. While productive work was always a part of God's plan for man (Gen. 1:28-30; 2:15), God told Adam that all his attempts to sustain life from the earth would now involve 'painful toil' (3:17). The earth would become more his foe than his friend. The ground that had once yielded abundantly to his touch would 'produce thorns and thistles' that would frustrate his attempts to eke out a living (v. 18). Work now became hard. Resistance became the norm. Blood, sweat, and tears were required to survive.

Men's struggle with adequacy. Men are typically haunted by the question of whether or not they have what it takes to love and lead in the way God expects. Chronic fears of inadequacy are the lingering legacy of God's curse on men. The curse exposes their battle to balance all that life throws at them. 'Thorns and thistles' produce hostile opposition not only in their work but also in their relationships. Commonly, a man's efforts to measure up in his marriage are especially frustrated when he is threatened by his wife's vulnerability (which he can't fix) and her demand for control (which he can't change). The battle for control in a marriage with a woman who feels vulnerable and unprotected by a man who feels inadequate and unfairly criticized is a formula for frustration and conflict that most men work hard to avoid.

But rather than face their inadequacy and disappointment in not measuring up, men tend to hide their masculinity through avoidance or abuse.

Men who feel weak often avoid situations and relationships (especially with assertive women) where they fear exposure of their ineptness in leading. When threatened, these men tend to seek escape through some form of diversion, busyness, addictive activity, or some area of felt competency. Men who practice hiding through avoidance won't risk failure in what matters most to them. They seek to protect their image at all costs.

Some men who are open in their anger use their strength to abuse and control physically weaker women. They dominate with physical intimidation, tongue-lashing, money control, or relentless put-downs and criticisms, which over time demean and dishonor the wife God has given to them."

The booklet entitled “When The Flame Flickers” (and sub-titled ‘Rekindling Intimacy in Your Marriage’) is printed by RBC Ministries and can be found at www.rbc.net web address.

 

Ken Korkow was raised in Blunt, South Dakota by Erv and LaFola Korkow, well-known producers of professional rodeos. Ken served in the U.S. Marine Corps from 1966-1968, serving in Vietnam in 1968 where he was wounded in combat and received the Navy Cross. In April 1984, Ken joined the staff of Christian Business Men's Committee USA. He is currently Regional Director of CBMC Heartland, serving Nebraska, Iowa, and South Dakota. He is a former member of Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association; former president, Central South Dakota Board of Realtors; and former president, North and South Dakota Farm and Land Institute.